apatheticq's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Eyes. Trying to change someone is a useless effort. Even if it is just to make a person be as wonderful as they can be. Regardless of how nice you are about it, you will always end up making that person feel bad. It is important to either accept a person for who they are, or not be there. I have never been able to break up with anyone regardless of how much I want to. I have always felt dependant on others emotions to dictate my own. This is really an oppertunity to live on my own for awhile, something that I have needed for a very long time. I always seem to live with others, partially because I am not very good in solitude, regardless of how sometimes I try to fade into the background of life. I am really a very social, and active person, and it seems as though my emotions always prevent me from that. Learning how to be dependant on ones self is difficult when it doesn't come naturally. I have always stared at people who have been alone for a year, or more and wonder how they felt. What they thought about... if it hurt them as much as it hurt me. When I truely look inwards, I don't think I have ever loved anyone, just required attention, and someone for me to lavish attention on. I need to buy a pet. Because treating someone like that will just create resentment. It is important for me to exist in a world created by me, and understand that it is as good as I want it to be. Or will work for it to be. Not depend on the emotional state of someone else, something i've done for quite a long time. I need to remember that I matter. That when someone is treating me poorly, that I need to recognize that, and take action on it. Not take it out on myself, and think that I am not trying hard enough, or being good enough for them. My head is filled with irony, and it makes me laugh. For someone who understands the world so well, you would think that I could manuver within it. Or at least thinks he does. It's much easier to diagnose something than to act on it. At least for me. I think I finally have at least a part of my exocised. I think I finally have an understanding, and an acceptance. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. But this is 1 night. There are many after that to contend with, but if I cannot sustain without hurting myself, then I will never have a happy existance. I must do this, and I will like I have all of the other times. With that simple notion that I am amazing, and it is irrelevant that I don't know it. -Nathan 9:02 p.m. - January 17, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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