apatheticq's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wonders of the world I feel much more like I used to. In the sense that I feel that certain something that lets me write. I haven't felt that in awhile. I hate when people write about writing. -------- I feel so many things right now, but only glimpses at what is bothering me. It seems every other day I focus on something that is bothering me, and state with all certainty that, that is infact what is making me unhappy. Putting all of your energy into fixing everything in your life is tiring. It's worse than running down the street, but like really fast. It makes me sad to think that I just can't BE happy. I have to try and be happy. I have to put effort into something that should be effortless. It drags me down. It drags me down that I don't feel appriciated. I feel taken for granted. -------- I.. I... I.... I sure am selfish while writing in my diary. As if everything has been done to me. Some great travisty orchistrated to make me miserable. -------- I honestly don't feel loved, and that doesn't seem to bother anyone but me. -------- I desire quite a bit. -------- I used to know how to write social commentary. At least that is what everyone always called my writing. I always thought that I just wrote. Whatever came to mind. Another worthless paragraph destined to be ignored. I have never understood what a "good cry" meant. -------- I don't want to watch t.v. I want to drink coffee and stare at people who look far more intresting that I. People who get me excited just by looking at them. Ordinary people with extrodinary lives in my head. Good seats are still available. -------- I keep thinking that if I were somewhere else things would be better. That's not true. Nothing will make me feel better but kindness, and thoughtfullness. But here's the key... from others. You can't create that. It just happens. or it doesn't. -------- I wonder what would happen if I died. I don't think much. My work would have to hire a temp to take care of my work. That temp might be making more than ever, and be really happy, and kill a nun. -------- Sweat isn't sexy to me. -------- I want someone to nuzzle my nose with theirs. That sounds like the best thing in the world right now. Before world peace. Just a quick nose nuzzle. 9:55 p.m. - December 18, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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